B and I were sitting on the bed last night a heard what we assumed was a coconut falling from the tree in front of the house. They make this really loud thud when they hit the ground. By the time they are ready to fall organically from the tree they are full of coconut water – and they are heavy. In fact, falling coconuts are responsible for about 5 deaths every year.
January 12, 2014
|On the tram before her flight.|
Once we got to the gate it went fast –a blur. I hugged her and kissed her face one last time before she walked down the jet way onto the plane. Disappearing all too quickly without even looking back. Then it hit me. I wondered when I would hug her again. When I would get to have another meal with her. I wondered what she was thinking. Right then I wanted to hug her again so bad it hurt inside my chest. I thought my heart was going to explode. My body was frozen and emotionless. Completely numb. I found a seat next to the window and stared at that plane for 40 l-o-n-g minutes until it was wheels up. And then cried. Quietly in that little corner of the giant Houston airport my heart was breaking.
Today I sit here and write this and I still weep. I just want Lilly here with us. There are days like today my heart aches and aches and aches because one of my babies is absent. Because everywhere I look I see her face or I remember how she played with Sabrina and kayaked with me on the weekends. I really miss watching her learn and study. And yes, I even miss the older girls arguing. I think of her each time I feed the animals, which was her job. Her cat, Alley, misses her too. Alley follows me everywhere now and insists on sleeping in my room. She has left a void in our lives that we are all working to fill.
Our new normal is also fostering an interesting metamorphosis of Miss Emma. The energy she previously used arguing and competing with Lilly is now being channelled into herself as well as connecting with the rest of the family. The new normal involves FaceTime video chats where Sabrina shows Lilly EVERYTHING in her room –one by one. It involves instant messaging to talk about our days instead of doing it over dinner. The new normal is sending her packages and flowers (yes, more than once in four weeks) to make sure she knows without a doubt she is loved and thought about here in Belize EVERY DAY.
And Lilly’s new normal? I can’t be certain. I do know she is happy and adjusting well. Although she has yet to begin school because they have had huge amounts of snow, she has been for a tour and is excited to pick out her classes this Monday. She is enjoying a room all to herself. She has sent pictures of snowmen and talked about how much fun it is to sled in the snow. My little bird seems to be thriving in her new nest.
We are all a work in progress – working towards accepting our new normal daily routines.
Some of my favorite lyrics for my loved ones…
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
That you’d find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything my wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold”
-Rascal Flatts – My Wish Lyrics
“Well, you only need the light when it’s burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.And you let her go.”–Passenger, Let Her Go Lyrics
Written on December 15th, 2013 Letting Go of Lilly
Sometimes in life we have to let go of things or people – especially when we don’t want to. Especially when that something has been a part of your day since you can remember. Even when every fiber of your genetic makeup is telling you it’s not time. Even when we want to keep fighting for what we believe is best. Even when your heart aches at the mere thought. We have to let go to – in order to go on.
This week we are having to let go. Even though it is not what we want. And our hearts will surely ache.
Just as our daughter Lilly turns 13 next week she will be moving to Indiana to live with her Father, step-Mother, and little Brother. After careful consideration, unprecedented communication with her Father, counsel from family, and some soul searching of my own, we made a family decision to allow her to move. The decision was made months ago but I kept secretly hoping that Lilly would change her mind, or plans would fall through. Selfishly – I just want her here with me. I want my baby bird under my wing where I can protect and groom her. She’s not supposed to leave the nest yet. My brain is hardwired to be with her. But I have come to terms with the reality. The truth is she’s not leaving the nest, but rather going to experience a new nest where she WILL be loved and cared for as she continues to become a young woman. And she knows she can always come back to us. She knows our unconditional love.
For the first time in 13 years I won’t be waking up to her face. I won’t be calling her name 10 times every morning trying to get her up. I won’t be taking her to the first day at her new school. This is my first time to miss a “first day” of anything in her life. I won’t be there for every school event or performance. And I will no longer be the one drying heartbroken tears or packing her favorite things for lunch. It will no longer be me. And this makes me very sad. I will be homesick for her – our whole family here will miss her.
I also feel very proud and am confident in Lilly. Because for the first time in 13 years Lilly is confident enough in herself to be able to handle such a big change. Because she is brave and strong. She is ready. She knows she can pull through any hard times. She strongly feels that more educational opportunities are available in Indiana than here in Belize. And possibly most important -I know she wants and needs to connect with her father. I have to feel good knowing Lilly has grown to not fear the world and its possibilities. I take comfort in her attributes as we are learning to let go of Lilly.
I have always taught my daughters these things, but I want all 3 to now be able to read it and know these things are true no matter how old you get, or how smart you think you are. I want, you, Lilly to know my thoughts and advice, even from many miles away since I won’t be there myself to remind you.
So, girls, if you can’t remember here are a few basics you can always count on:
- Do not be afraid, be cautious instead – making choices out of fear usually results in a mess.
- When you don’t know what else to do in a moment of stress – take a few deep breaths. Or twenty.
- It is better to say nothing at all than to speak hurtful words. You can never take the words back.
- When you are hurting and angry, remember that your feelings are valid and REAL. But don’t hurt others because you are upset.
- Kindness never goes out of style. Just Be Kind. It’s not really all that difficult to do. Smile at an old person, feed the homeless, thank a soldier or just call your mother.
- You can be a kind woman and not be a pushover.
- It is always okay to say NO and expect to be respected. In your future career, with someone who says they love you, to your best friend. Do not compromise your standards for anyone!
- LOVE is the greatest thing in the world. To love and be loved is at the core of the choices we make every day. It is the core of our being.
- You can always count on your Family for LOVE. No matter who – what – when – where or why, we are here to share our love with you. You never have to go looking for it at the bottom of a glass (unless *maybe* its wine). Kidding. You don’t need to search for love from a stranger. Or a drug. Or recognition in a job that makes you miserable. Come home anytime, you will be loved without question.
|Be-still my heart – L to R: Emma, Sabrina, Lillian.|
“Wherever you are doing it, I am somewhere doing it too. We are together even when we’re not.” -Barry (the Hubster)
I must get in the habit of writing more. So many things have been going on I would love to tell you all about. When I do sit to write it is difficult to pick one or two things to talk about 🙂 So this blog will be an update on the family and resort, then I will write the more editorial piece that’s in my head about living in “Paradise”. Then perhaps during my few day off I can write the “Raising Kids in a Village” and “Learning how to go from almost never seeing your husband to living and working together 24/7” Hahaha…
As I mentioned before, Barry and I have a few insanely needed days off. We are so tired and worn down are bodies are getting sick and our patience is wearing thin. The fantastic upside to this ailing we both feel is the the Resort is more successful than it has ever been. February with only 28 days yielded the highest guest nights in the history of St. George’s Caye Resort. BOOM! It has been two years and 3 months since Barry came to start working here in Belize. (I have been here just under two years.) Not bad. My hubster is a genius; a master at social networking and managment. He has taught me so much about how to treat people, including myself. And he does that with the young men and women who work here. When you can inspire and empower others I believe the whole world is drawn to you. So it seems, our guests who pay to come stay with us can feel this too. And in case you want to read it for yourself check us out on TRIP ADVISOR 🙂 Ignore the review about “managment holding us hostage”…. that was nothing…. 😉
Emma is gearing up for High School already! I get the chills typing the words. Mi primero nina! My first baby. Life is so bitter sweet. I’m trying to deny it and I tried to “forget” to sign her applications for HS but she kept peskily reminding me. She is so excited. And we are excited with her. Learning how to navigate a completely new educational system has been a challenge and learning about HS curriculum has snuck up on us as we were JUST getting used to the Elementry level. She is taking HS entrance exams next week and then another in April. In Belize HS is not for every child; it is not affordable to all nor required by the government (if I understand correctly). Emma is succeeding in classes very well, and even learning to enjoy some of the subjects she found cumbersome earlier in the year. She has made some of the neatest friends from school who have so kindly opened up and let her into their cirlce like they have known her for years. *Such a young lady you are now, Miss Emma. Your mother is SO proud of you 🙂
Lilly has been busy getting involved in school activities including band (playing keyboard), participating in the spoken word elocution contest, and recently entering a nationwide virtual city design competition. The competition is actually quite involved. It requires 6 or 7 training sessions on how to use the design software to create the virtual city, and how to incorporate social services into their plans. Check it out at www.MyVirtualCity.bz Lilly has also made some very cool friends at school who encourage her and share some of her interests. I really enjoy when her friends Quincy and Jordan come over; getting to watch them talk about writing screen plays and becoming young directors all while saving the unfortunate animals of the world 🙂 I love your scense of caring, Lillian!
Sabrina Bella is 19 (almost 20) months old. She is the littelest light of our family. A tiny ball of 20 pound goodness. She repeats (in baby talk of course) every word we say, english or spanish. She talks in both languages every day, even sometimes saying mixed phrases like “Agua please” or she will reverse it and say “Porfa wawa” (Por favor water) She is basically potty training herself. WAHOO! Mom likes this alot. She tells me daily she needs to go and wakes up dry most mornings (I just need to get her nanny a little better on board with encouraging her to go… but anyway…) We are a short time away from big girl panties!!! Ok, I am done with the potty talk 🙂 THIS KID is so loved by our resort staff who have watched her grow from infancy. I caught Eli wipping her runny nose the other day and his brother Elbin talks to her in Spanish everday so she can learn the language. She calls our dive master, Jose, “Poppi” because his daughter works here too and Beena hears him being called that all the time. When the staff meals are ready the chef says “Pick-Up” and when Beena hears it she RUNS to the door to get food. Hahah, textbook Pavlov’s dogs. I just love the toddler mind. It truly fascinates me to watch her grow and change daily.
Our island life continues… One day at a time. BIG LOVE.
(I was going to add photos but it is rainy today and our “high speed” internet is on the fritz. Will upload when I can.)